Unsure.

It's a week more t my a'level! And I'm still very unsure if I'm ready for it. I remember very clearly it wasnt like that a week before my o's. I can confidently say that I know I will do fine. But now, I don't even dare t think. Th more I think about it, th more paranoid I become. Its really frightening t see how time flies. I really wish I have more time. Kinda regret not studying consistently since th start of J1. If I do all my work wholeheartedly, stay attentive during tutorials and lectures, probably I won't be struggling so hard now. Ya ya, I know it's too late t regret now. but still... SIGHS.

T be honest, I'm not worried about not being able t get a decent job if I don't do well for my a's. I'm not worried about not being able t get into a university etc. Because I know that I will still be able t get a job in future, I will still be able t get my degree. (probably from a private school or something?) I know that there are many alternatives in life. I know that there are many routes t the same end point. Its a pride thing. I really have no idea what is wrong w me. Im just afraid that people will laugh at me if I dont do well, people will judge me if I don't do well, people will be disappointed if I don't do well, people will look down on me if I don't do well. I just want t do well and prove t those that look down on me that IM NOT STUPID.. But I really lost th motivation t study.

In th past, I really have no problem studying, Idk what kept me going back then. Probably money? Because I know that if I study hard, I will be able t get scholarship at th end of th year. Or probably for th accomplishment for being th top few in th cohort? Because I know that I can definitely get t th top if I study hard enough.

But even since I got into JJ, I never felt motivated before. I started tearing while doing homework since th second week of lesson because I was really clueless how t do and I have no one t consult!! I dread going t school everyday and I cried a lot during th first term. Because I really hate school!! I'm not close t my classmates. And I really envy all my secondary school friends who were posted t POLY and were still enjoying their holiday! I remember crying on my way home after th first 'major' exam (CT1) and I kept telling my momy that Im afraid that I will not so well and i retain and I don't want that!!

If I have a choice, I would choose t forget about these 2 years of my life because it's th toughest period, i met a lot new people. Many who are selfish, many who are insensitive and many who just love t look down on people. And I just have t tolerate their nonsense! URGH!

Alright, enough of ranting, it's 3:05AM now and I gotta sleep alr! If not I will not be able t wake up early Tmr t... STUDY! SIAAAAAN! ):

Goodnight everyone! xoxo.

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